Glimmers in the Grief

Before you start reading, I want to invite you to put your hand over your heart, feet flat on the ground, and join me in taking some deep breaths to ground yourself to this present moment of time. Breathe in for 4, out for 6, or whatever feels right for you.  If able, I encourage you to grab a warm drink or light a candle as you read your way through this post.  I wish I could be sitting across from you to hold space and honor your story but for now I want to say I am incredibly proud of you for being here. 

If you’re drawn to reading this post you are likely walking through your own grief or walking along someone dear to you who is grieving.  Grief is an all consuming full body experience that can lead to feelings of isolation and deep pain. The realities of your loss might bring panic and new parts of you activated and in need of care.  Whatever your story and your loss, I want you to know that you are not alone and that your unique loss matters.

Having walked through grief at different times in my own life, I’ve come to know the feelings that accompany it.  The shock, confusion, anger, panic, deep sadness.  Whatever you may be feeling right now, know that it is valid and there is no one way to experience grief.  The 5 stages of grief can help guide us but they certainly are not a roadmap to what the journey is fully like.  Unlike a lot of things, we can’t fix or take away grief.  We have to learn to hold and integrate it into our lives.

Here are 5 gentle suggestions to help in this season.  Not to fix but to offer a bit of guidance and care for this tender time. 

note: if you just experienced loss or have experienced a traumatic or unexpected loss, some of these suggestions might feel impossible.  This makes sense as your nervous system is currently overwhelmed and you are just trying to survive.  Focus on the basics in those early days and let others take care of you.  With time, we can practice some of these items as we learn how to grow with our grief. 

1. Connect with safe people

Grief has a way of making us feel alone.  It can whisper that no one understands or will be able to help.  It is true that no one will fully ever understand your unique loss and can’t erase the impact of the loss. However it’s also very true that healing happens in connection and that there is something special in leaning into a safe community of friends / family / professionals so you don’t have to walk this path alone.  Identify 1-2 people in your life that feel safe and are able to provide space for you.  Another great way to have support is through a grief support group or individual therapist.

2. Let yourself feel 

Create pockets of time during the day to check in.  Lean in and then lean out.  It’s not selfish to step back from the emotion – it is creating a sustainable way to grow with and around the grief.  Ask yourself: How am I feeling? Where in my body am I feeling this? How can I physically express this emotion? 

3. Nourish yourself 

Taking care of yourself might feel like the last thing you want to do and yet is one of the most important. Create a daily list of non-negotiables such as: eating nutritious and comforting foods, sleeping, drinking water, gentle body movement (walking, stretching, yoga).  

4. Establish Boundaries

Our capacity after loss changes – we might feel more irritable, impatient, or just not ourselves.  Set boundaries with others and be okay with saying no.  Communicate needs to your trusted people.  Our closest people will understand and honor our needs.  You will learn who you can and can’t lean on in this season. 

5. Seek Glimmers in the Grief

In the therapy world, glimmers (coined by Deb Dana) are micro moments that signal reprieve to our nervous system.  Moments that signal to our body that all is well, I am safe, it is going to be okay, etc.  Glimmers are the opposite of triggers which are moments that can send our body into defensive states.  With grief, our nervous systems are managing so much.  It is easy to bounce between these states by the smallest of memories, smells, pictures, etc.  The next time you notice a glimmer, I encourage you to fully allow yourself to lean into it.  These glimmers help us navigate the triggers and grief in a more sustainable way. 

For me, glimmers are often found in nature – the light that dances through the window at the same time every morning, flowers blooming, birds showing up to our feeder, the ladybug in the garden.  These are not just cute, happy moments but rather necessities, life lines, to help us be resilient and embodied in an otherwise chaotic and triggering time.  

Tip: go for a walk and search for beauty.  What is your eye drawn to? Are there certain sounds, textures, sights that you gravitate towards? Lean in to those moments. 

If you made it to the end of this post and are feeling like you could use extra support, please reach out.  Asking for help is often one of the hardest parts and I want to say that I am proud of you. The team at Steady Hope is here to help support you as you navigate life after loss.