How My Toddler's Tantrum Are Teaching Me About My Nervous System

Parenting a toddler often means navigating through frequent temper tantrums. As my son is currently exploring his emotions and asserting his desires, I've found myself facing the intensity of his outbursts—screaming, crying, and dramatic floor-melting. These moments can be overwhelming, and sometimes, it takes everything I have to avoid joining in the chaos. While everyone's nervous system reacts differently, I’ve discovered that maintaining my own calm is the most effective way to help my toddler. Here’s what I’ve learned and some tools that may help you manage these challenging moments too.

Photo by Lobacheva Ina on Unsplash

Understanding Toddler Tantrums: What’s Really Happening?

Gaining insight into how the brain functions during tantrums has significantly increased my patience and compassion. When my toddler is having a tantrum, his brain is essentially hijacked by his fight-or-flight response. This is why trying to reason with him during these episodes is futile—his brain's language, impulse control, and logic centers are essentially "offline." Dr. Dan Siegel describes this as “flipping our lid.” The limbic system, responsible for emotional processing and stress regulation, becomes highly activated, resulting in intense emotional reactions and physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat and sweating. For my toddler specifically, this looks like him screaming and crying at a seemingly irrational trigger, flailing his body, and sometimes trying to hit me or run away.

Effective Parenting Strategies to Calm a Tantrum

When a toddler is dysregulated, verbal commands like “Calm down!” are ineffective. Instead, addressing the body’s state can help shift the emotional response. Here are some techniques that have proven effective for my son:

• Five-Finger Breathing: A simple, grounding exercise to help regulate breathing and focus.

• Changing Environments: Moving outside for distraction or to a quiet, dark room for a calming effect.

• Sensory Engagement: Offering a drink of water or a piece of ice can redirect sensory focus and soothe.

• Focus on Calming, Rather than “Fixing”: As stated above, I have learned that tantrums are not the time for a teaching moment. I will abandon any attempt to continue a conversation or reason with my child, and instead prioritize focus on calming us both down. If hitting or destruction of any physical property is happening, then I will put up a boundary (like moving myself or my toddler to a safer space), but otherwise, I will save the discipline moment for after the tantrum passes. 

• Maintain Your Own Calm: Maintaining my own composure during these times is crucial. Deep, slow breathing helps me stay present and calm, creating a stabilizing influence for my toddler. Repeating a mantra can help, such as “He is a good kid who is having a hard time” or “We will get through this.”

• Time in, rather than time out: While my little guy may exhibit signs that he doesn’t want me close (like pushing me or running away), proximity to a regulated nervous system is really what he’s seeking. The tantrum WILL pass, often on its own timing, and then he is ready to collapse into my arms. 

  
  

Infants and young children lack the innate ability to regulate their emotions, and their world can feel overwhelmingly chaotic. They need to experience containment—both physically and emotionally—to process and understand their feelings. For my toddler, I have found that he responds better to a “time in” (being brought closer) rather than a “time out” (sent to be alone)-- giving a long hug with some deep breaths helps his system fully calm. Then, I can resume validating his feelings, helping him use language to ask for whatever it was he desired in the first place, and set boundaries, if that is what is needed.

Personal Reflections: Learning and Growing from My Own Reactions

It's natural to feel a twinge of shame when my own emotions flare up in response to my toddler's tantrums. However, understanding my own nervous system’s reaction helps me approach these situations with self-compassion. My toddler’s emotional state can affect mine, and engaging with a distressed child is inherently activating. Our own childhood experiences often shape our ability to handle emotional chaos.

Sometimes, I find myself feeling just as overwhelmed as my toddler. This is a reminder that adult emotional regulation skills aren’t always well-developed, and many of us may not have had the opportunity to learn them early on. The good news is that it’s possible to build these skills later in life. Here are some strategies for developing emotional regulation and self-care:

• Identify Your Triggers: Recognize what sets off your own emotional responses.

• Maintain Your Own Calm: Deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and grounding techniques increase the capacity for self-regulation. Take breaks as necessary! 

• Prioritize Self-Care: Maintaining your own well-being is essential. Engage in activities like exercise, getting adequate sleep, spending time in nature, and seeking therapy to replenish your emotional reserves.

• Build a Support Network: Even as adults, we need emotional support. Surround yourself with a supportive community.

• Seek Therapy: Maternal Mental Health Therapy can provide containment and help you develop coping skills, explore emotions, and navigate life transitions, including parenting. Therapy can also be a safe space to explore your own childhood and the stories that have shaped your nervous system and its responses to life today, such as your toddler’s tantrums! 

• Remember to Have Compassion for Yourself: We aren’t always going to get it right, and that’s okay! Attachment science teaches us that parents don’t have to be perfect in order to foster healthy and secure attachment with their kids. As a matter of fact, some experts suggest that we only have to get it right 50% of the time– and for the 50% we don’t, offering repair (naming where things went wrong and attempting to fix them) often matters even more than getting it right in the first place.

  
  

Understanding and managing your nervous system’s response to your toddler’s tantrums not only helps you remain calm but also supports your child's emotional development. By integrating these strategies, you can foster a more balanced and compassionate environment for both you and your little one. 

Here at Steady Hope, we are passionate about holding a steady and safe space for you to explore your past, find stability for your present, and create hope for your future. We support individuals through life transitions, including the ongoing transition of parenthood, and we would be honored to be a part of your support system. Reach out to us today for a free consultation to see how therapy can benefit you, specifically!