Supporting Someone Through Grief

No one wants to see their people walk through grief, and it can feel even harder to feel hopeless in the process. Grief is inevitable and nondiscriminatory- every single one of us will walk through it at one point or another. Grief can include the loss of a loved one, divorce or a breakup, losing a job, our kids growing up or moving away, or any other major loss/adjustment. It is not only important, but necessary to know how to support someone through grief. By learning to support each other, we can learn how to support ourselves and ask for help when we experience grief too. 

Photo by Anastasia Vityukova on Unsplash

Ideas for Supporting Someone Through Grief

Reaching out: there is so much hesitation. Will I be bombarding them? What should I say? How do I show that I am really there for them and aching with them?

Be tangible in your support. “I am here if you need anything” can sometimes put the pressure on the person grieving to ask for what they need. The truth is that their mind is shocked, blurred, and unprepared for such responsibility. Try some of these instead: “Can I bring you coffee on Friday or Saturday morning? I will either drop it off or sit with you, whatever feels right for you.” or “Could I call your boss and help handle some of those logistics for you?”, “Let me come by and do some laundry for you if that is okay.” Overall, the point is to lessen their load in any way possible. 

Give them the gift of flexibility. Even if your person says yes to plans, remind them that they don’t need to feel guilt or shame if they end up cancelling. Grief is exhausting in physical ways, too. 

Don’t avoid talking about the hard thing. The person grieving is already likely thinking about their loved one. It might be as simple as saying, “do you want distraction or do you need to process? I am here for either one.” Even sharing memories with the loved one or stories you remember can feel helpful. 

Continue supporting them past the first month. In the first few weeks of loss, people grieving can feel overwhelmed by the amount of support and messages they receive. However, this naturally falls off a little bit. Be the person who continues checking in and offering support well beyond that first month or two. 

Going Through Grief Yourself 

Let your people in. You don’t have to talk about anything you’re uncomfortable with, but allow space for tangible support in your life. Even just a moment to breathe and let someone carry the heavy weight of grief with you can feel helpful. 

Make a list of non-negotiables for each day. This list will help you continue to care for yourself when it might feel impossible. A list might include: at least two meals a day, sitting outside for at least 10 minutes, and getting dressed. It doesn’t have to be complex, but just enough to make sure you are moving through the day. 

Reaching Out for Help 

Starting therapy with a counselor who specializes in grief can be incredibly life-changing. These therapists will often allow you to take control over what you need. Grief displaces our sense of control in a deep way- this is a space for you to take that back. Therapy might look like processing and coping with feelings of guilt, shame, depression, or anger. It might also look like practical tools: sleep hygiene, dealing with logistical issues (estates, wills, tangible items in your home), and overall navigating a new normal. At Steady Hope, we have several different therapists who have walked with clients through their various types of grief. It can feel so scary to let someone into our deep grief, but this is a soft place to land. Phone consultations often turn into a beautiful therapeutic relationship that helps us befriend our grief. We would be honored to stand in this with you!