Why We Keep Arguing About the Same Things: Understanding Relationship Cycles
- Angie Hartley
- Aug 6
- 3 min read
If you're in a relationship, chances are you've had a version of the same argument more than once. Maybe it's about how one of you doesn't feel heard. Or who does more around the house. Or how often you're intimate. The surface issues vary, but
underneath, many couples find themselves stuck in repeating patterns that leave both partners feeling frustrated, alone, and hurt.
As a couples therapist, one of the most important things I help couples see is this: It’s not really about the dishes, or the thermostat, or even the words you say during the argument. It’s about the emotional signals underneath- the longings, the fears, and the needs that often go unnoticed.
The Cycle, Not the Person, Is the Problem
When couples argue, they often point the finger at each other. “You never listen.” “You always shut down.” But what I see in the therapy room is not bad people. It’s a cycle between them that’s taken over the relationship.
One person may feel lonely or unimportant and reaches out- maybe by criticizing or pushing. The other may feel overwhelmed or like they're failing, and so they pull away or shut down. Over time, these reactions become automatic. They become a cycle that neither person wants, but both keep getting caught in.
How Attachment Styles Show Up
These patterns often tie back to something deeper: how we’ve learned to deal with closeness, comfort, and emotional safety- what therapists call attachment styles. Think of attachment styles as the blueprint we develop early in life about how relationships work and what we can expect from others.
Some people, when they feel unsure about the relationship, tend to reach out more intensely. They may feel anxious or afraid of being abandoned and work hard to get their partner’s attention. This can show up as being “too needy” or critical, but underneath is a longing for reassurance: Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me?
Others, when they feel overwhelmed or criticized, may pull back or shut down. They’ve often learned to cope by minimizing their emotions or staying self-reliant. This can look like indifference, but inside, there’s usually a fear of failing or not being good enough: If I let you see how I feel, will you still love me?
Neither response is wrong or bad. They're both ways of trying to protect the connection, but they often collide in painful ways. One partner wants more closeness and pushes; the other feels pressure and retreats. And the more each person reacts, the more stuck the cycle becomes.
Slowing Down the Relationship Cycle
What makes Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy so powerful is that it helps couples slow down and recognize these patterns. Together, we shine a light on the cycle, not to blame, but to understand what's really happening between you.
We help each partner connect with their own feelings and fears and learn to express them in ways that bring their partner closer, not push them away. Over time, this creates a new kind of conversation- one that’s safer and more connected.
A New Way Forward
When couples can recognize and talk about their needs for closeness, comfort, and support without shame or blame, the cycle begins to shift. You’re no longer fighting each other. You’re working together to protect your bond.
If you’ve been stuck in the same arguments and are wondering why nothing seems to change, it may not be because you don’t love each other. It may be because you’re caught in a cycle that’s hiding what really matters.
You don’t have to stay stuck. With support, understanding, and a new way of talking, change is possible.
Resources for understanding you and your partner better:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Life Time of Love:
Created for Connection: Hold Me Tight Guide for Christian Couples:
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romanic Love:
Relationships/dp/0316133760
Interested in working on your relationship from a place of connection and
understanding?
At Steady Hope, we have therapists who have walked with couples through their
various types of relationship difficulties. We would be happy to set up a free 15-minute phone consultations to hear more about what you and your loved one are hoping for in therapy.
We would be honored to help navigate this with you!
